... i'm moving back to http://dancingyogini.blogspot.com as the official bloggidy blog for my yoga journey. see ya there!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Moving on Up
So i decided its time to retire this blog and restart after the amazement of teacher training. i want a fresh place to write where i feel comfortable letting the entire world and my students read my musings. SO this blog is to be no more.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Anxiety and Affirmation
Anxiety. like i can't take a full breath, or really breathe much at all. i'm counting hours in the days and days in the months and months in the year and years in my life ... the conclusion is that there aren't enough. time keeps stealing my life away and i can't seem to catch up and keep up.
i'm headed away again next week for part 3 of todd and ann's teacher training and i'm all sorts of getting worried over it. this is totally NOT like me. for the last week i've even been getting worried before going in to teach classes. to the point of feeling like i'd rather burst into tears and run screaming from the room than face the loving and supportive students that have come to be with me.
i could list all the reasons i'm feeling anxious. there are plenty that i'm aware of and probably more that i'm not. but what's the point? dwell on the problems -- solvable and insolvable -- or move towards solution. and what is so strange this time in 'dealing with' the tight chest and drowning feeling, instead of trying to swat it away or sweep it under the rug, i'm actually trying to embrace it. i'm trying to invite it to tea to sit with me and just be here as a part of the big picture that IS me these days. having anxiety over for dinner is incredibly uncomfortable. it is NOT the most fun emotion to hang out with. (could i please have that blissed-out feeling back?) but it is real and it is here and i'm just trying to be dynamically still in the midst of it.
what i've found so far is that aside from making me want to eat all the sweets in the house and do some random impulse shopping, anxiety isn't SO terrible. i know the reasons for it, i take steps to alleviate those problems and otherwise i just let it be. i'm actually using it as a wake up call that i need to swing back towards taking care of myself.
meditate
practice yoga (even restoratives!)
pranayama
journal
connect with friends
take a long hot bath or shower without the baby at the shower door
sleep, even go to bed early
and constantly, every moment, every time i can... affirm myself.
i am perfectly imperfect just the way i am
there is nothing more i need to be
this world is more beautiful with me in it
i am doing all i need to do
i am teaching just the way i need to teach
i am progressing in my teaching at the perfect speed
i will overcome the teaching edges that stress me out right now in my own time in the right moment
i shine my bright light
i offer love to everyone including myself
reading these i take a slightly deeper breath and feel the love of Grace move through me. i remember my heart is connected to a great ocean of love that i have physically felt before. my chest is still tight. i still feel that i can't go on. but i know i can and i will. i know the practice will break through this place of uncertainty. and like everything, i know this emotion too will pass.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Lonliness
It is building, this local Kula. slowly but surely the anusara community here is getting started. hard to get started without an actual certified teacher, but that isn't really stopping us. i like knowing i'm not the only one around here who loves Anusara. who is eating it up and can't get enough... it feels a bit like and addiction to the alignment the theming the Tantric philosophy... and the heart-opening wildly loving family.
and that's where i feel a bit lonely. our family is small and only loosely banded together and the part that i am a part of... i am in the lead. i am the teacher. i am the mother. i am the guide. it is an honor. and it is lonely. i've often thought of john friend and wondered if he experiences this feeling. that no one can quite be in his place and share with him. that there is no one to take him under their wing and offer to him all that he offers to others. who opens his heart and blows his mind? i know the students do, but it is in a different way, a different capacity.
i miss being a part of a regular class, with a regular teacher that i look up to and adore and wonder about. that shares love to me as a child is loved by a parent. i miss having other students that are my friends that i laugh with and watch movies with and share long nights out to dinner and then dancing or other wildness. things are not as they once were. i know my YTT teachers do love us, but there is so much intellectual learning and not nearly enough practice happening at YTT.
and so i realize, though i've been in my (slowly growing) kula here and i've been in my YTT kula and so in the heart of Anusara. in the back pocket of one of my favorite teachers even. i'm over due for a hit of the love. i'm over due for a big rockin weekend of practice practice practice, expand expand expand and LOVE it UP! thankfully i am scheduled to practice with john next month. and i've made my plans for the future to keep myself connected and plugged in to the merry band, to even take my place as a part of the merry band.
i'm ready ready ready. enough learning and thinking and planing, time to DO!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
AH - HA!
the other title to this post could be: OH, so that's what Grace is
i had an epiphany moment the other night while i was being yoga nerd and making flashcards for my YTT test. i was studying the immersion manual and came to the (very brief) part about Grace. According to John Friend "Grace is the power of revelation" i have read those words many many times. i have been taught that very idea many many many times in many many many ways, yet the other night it was totally different. like being hit with a baseball bat of reality and suddenly something changed. i GET it.
Grace is a POWER. it doesn't have power or use power it IS the power. so Grace is not some noun that uses her influence on the word. Grace is actually that moment when you realize something or you learn something new when... it is the power that makes that new learning possible, or makes the ah-ha happen. it is a power that reveals a truth that was previously hidden. it IS THE POWER. like friggin' magic.
i got really excited about it. i am really excited about. even taught a pretty good Open to Grace themed class that sunday.
and since then i've been thinking more about it. right now i'm imagining Grace to be like 'the Force' from Star Wars. it exists all around it is an invisible but undeniable power and some are more skilled in attuning to it than others (but probably all can be taught). the big difference would be that the Force is a power of the mind, and Grace is a power of the heart. either way it is about moving into the flow of the pulsation of life and staying there by attuning moment to moment. the better you get at attuning the better able you can tap into the power and use it to your advantage... to the advantage of the whole world.
and that's what it feels like to me today. i'm opening to a whole new world... powered by Grace.
i had an epiphany moment the other night while i was being yoga nerd and making flashcards for my YTT test. i was studying the immersion manual and came to the (very brief) part about Grace. According to John Friend "Grace is the power of revelation" i have read those words many many times. i have been taught that very idea many many many times in many many many ways, yet the other night it was totally different. like being hit with a baseball bat of reality and suddenly something changed. i GET it.
Grace is a POWER. it doesn't have power or use power it IS the power. so Grace is not some noun that uses her influence on the word. Grace is actually that moment when you realize something or you learn something new when... it is the power that makes that new learning possible, or makes the ah-ha happen. it is a power that reveals a truth that was previously hidden. it IS THE POWER. like friggin' magic.
i got really excited about it. i am really excited about. even taught a pretty good Open to Grace themed class that sunday.
and since then i've been thinking more about it. right now i'm imagining Grace to be like 'the Force' from Star Wars. it exists all around it is an invisible but undeniable power and some are more skilled in attuning to it than others (but probably all can be taught). the big difference would be that the Force is a power of the mind, and Grace is a power of the heart. either way it is about moving into the flow of the pulsation of life and staying there by attuning moment to moment. the better you get at attuning the better able you can tap into the power and use it to your advantage... to the advantage of the whole world.
and that's what it feels like to me today. i'm opening to a whole new world... powered by Grace.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Vinyasa Krama
The mantra that has been repeating in my mind over and over in the last few days is this: "Finish the vinyasa" in essence... finish what you started. i have tendancy to get very close to the end of something and then go off on a tangent leaving the first project almost, but not quite complete. but lately, without asking my mind has been suppling the thought... finish it. if you aren't done, Finish what you have started.
Vinyasa is translated many ways.. breath and movement, a type of class. etc. broken into sanskrit they say it means Nyasa - to place, Vi - in a special way. Vinyasa - to place in a special way. i does not mean move quickly through a bunch of postures while breathing, though it is often taught that way. but there is another deeper vinyasa definition that comes to mind when i think of my mini-mantra, that of vinyasa krama. krama is the steps one takes to place in a special way. that is, HOW do you place in a special way. it is having an intention then how do you get to the goal you have set. it can be applied to the yoga practice, and more importantly, as with everything yoga it can be applied to life. according to an article from yoga chicago.com it is the 'intelligent sequencing of a personal yoga practice designed with a specific intention or goal.' and 'it is as simple as deciding what to make for dinner or as daunting as deciding a new career - then taking the necessary steps toward achieving that goal.'
i notice that as my yoga practice becomes more organized, more efficient, more productive, more life-affirming... my life is improved. my life becomes more organized, more efficient, more productive, and in general happier. i start to remember to 'finish the vinyasa' and to even limit the projects i set out to complete in a day so that i can be more effective and actually finish what i start. this organization brings a sense of ease and space in my life that is not present when i am trying to do too much and not actually completing anything.
the mantra came to me a few years ago when i did my first teacher training and then slipped away. now, again i'm in teacher training, again i'm organizing my life to fit in my yoga practice and the mantra has returned. an unexpected and subtle benefit of the practice. finishing what i start... completing the vinyasa becomes another way yoga transforms my life day in and day out.
Vinyasa is translated many ways.. breath and movement, a type of class. etc. broken into sanskrit they say it means Nyasa - to place, Vi - in a special way. Vinyasa - to place in a special way. i does not mean move quickly through a bunch of postures while breathing, though it is often taught that way. but there is another deeper vinyasa definition that comes to mind when i think of my mini-mantra, that of vinyasa krama. krama is the steps one takes to place in a special way. that is, HOW do you place in a special way. it is having an intention then how do you get to the goal you have set. it can be applied to the yoga practice, and more importantly, as with everything yoga it can be applied to life. according to an article from yoga chicago.com it is the 'intelligent sequencing of a personal yoga practice designed with a specific intention or goal.' and 'it is as simple as deciding what to make for dinner or as daunting as deciding a new career - then taking the necessary steps toward achieving that goal.'
i notice that as my yoga practice becomes more organized, more efficient, more productive, more life-affirming... my life is improved. my life becomes more organized, more efficient, more productive, and in general happier. i start to remember to 'finish the vinyasa' and to even limit the projects i set out to complete in a day so that i can be more effective and actually finish what i start. this organization brings a sense of ease and space in my life that is not present when i am trying to do too much and not actually completing anything.
the mantra came to me a few years ago when i did my first teacher training and then slipped away. now, again i'm in teacher training, again i'm organizing my life to fit in my yoga practice and the mantra has returned. an unexpected and subtle benefit of the practice. finishing what i start... completing the vinyasa becomes another way yoga transforms my life day in and day out.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Body Speaks
just finished practice
it amazes me how the body holds onto things and only lets you know what is going on when it feels safe to do so. for a while now i've been out of sorts in my left hip. that translates into a tightness on my whole left side and it doesn't do much to help my right shoulder. my entire body is trying to compensate. in my practice i've been trying to open that hip, to open that left side, but nothing much seems to help. today i used muscular energy and my body kept leading me in and in and in. and i think i've found it. my tailbone is in the wrong place. it is ever so slightly off to the left. as i worked hard in my legs i couldn't quite get it to move back, not the way i can often pop the SI joint into adjustment. so i kept at it, kept trying and finally just decided to rest. knowing there is more work to be done but nothing more for today, i put myself into savasana. there in corpse pose i was drawn back to the birth of my daughter. all of the emotions (ones that i didn't even feel that day) came back too, with a softness and an opening. and i knew then, that my misalignment happened during the birth and i never got back into place. hopefully, letting the emotions, joyful and sorrowful and fearful, flow helped soften the pull of the muscles and ligaments and will help move my tailbone into alignment again. life is better when i'm aligned. but either way, i am amazed that on this rainy cloudy cold morning when i didn't really want to practice at all, just going to the mat took me to a place of such profound insight and deeper awareness, not just of my body but of my whole life. after some practices, you are never the same.
it amazes me how the body holds onto things and only lets you know what is going on when it feels safe to do so. for a while now i've been out of sorts in my left hip. that translates into a tightness on my whole left side and it doesn't do much to help my right shoulder. my entire body is trying to compensate. in my practice i've been trying to open that hip, to open that left side, but nothing much seems to help. today i used muscular energy and my body kept leading me in and in and in. and i think i've found it. my tailbone is in the wrong place. it is ever so slightly off to the left. as i worked hard in my legs i couldn't quite get it to move back, not the way i can often pop the SI joint into adjustment. so i kept at it, kept trying and finally just decided to rest. knowing there is more work to be done but nothing more for today, i put myself into savasana. there in corpse pose i was drawn back to the birth of my daughter. all of the emotions (ones that i didn't even feel that day) came back too, with a softness and an opening. and i knew then, that my misalignment happened during the birth and i never got back into place. hopefully, letting the emotions, joyful and sorrowful and fearful, flow helped soften the pull of the muscles and ligaments and will help move my tailbone into alignment again. life is better when i'm aligned. but either way, i am amazed that on this rainy cloudy cold morning when i didn't really want to practice at all, just going to the mat took me to a place of such profound insight and deeper awareness, not just of my body but of my whole life. after some practices, you are never the same.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Coming Home
The yoga is like coming home for me. It's like turning a corner after a long road trip and seeing the place most dear. then walking through open doors into the embrace of long loves.. and some days they're baking chocolate chip cookies and serving cocoa too. but sometimes it's like going home when no one is there. when the place is quiet and empty and not only that, it's dirty and tired. sometimes i can't even find the street the house is on.. i'd like to say i keep searching on those days but i'm likely to either roll up my mat and 'forget it' or stumble through nothing poses as i ponder my toenails and pick at my clothing.
and i'm supposed to teach people?
but maybe that is the lesson. when you first come home after that first semester away at college you are suddenly hit with the knowledge 'i don't live here anymore.' but you don't really live at college either. you are hit with the uprootedness of life. we are always uprooted. and in our society so disconnected from our truly divine nature.
yoga is that chance to plant roots. to try to go home for real. home to the back pocket of the universe where we can cozy up and bathe in the love and warmth that comes with the knowledge that we truly are whole.
these days as i struggle in the first moments of motherhood i remind myself this life is a journey, this home i'm creating for my child is a warm safe holding ground for exploration until we all return to the heart of the divine. and i remind myself i too, am divine. even in my most difficult and challenging moments
I am a Goddess
and i'm supposed to teach people?
but maybe that is the lesson. when you first come home after that first semester away at college you are suddenly hit with the knowledge 'i don't live here anymore.' but you don't really live at college either. you are hit with the uprootedness of life. we are always uprooted. and in our society so disconnected from our truly divine nature.
yoga is that chance to plant roots. to try to go home for real. home to the back pocket of the universe where we can cozy up and bathe in the love and warmth that comes with the knowledge that we truly are whole.
these days as i struggle in the first moments of motherhood i remind myself this life is a journey, this home i'm creating for my child is a warm safe holding ground for exploration until we all return to the heart of the divine. and i remind myself i too, am divine. even in my most difficult and challenging moments
I am a Goddess
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Darkness and Light
I teach a sunday morning yoga class at YS. tomorrow i start back up after the break of maternity leave. it is like restarting into something i know i am meant to do but from a place of total disarray, from a whole new ground level. like there has been an earthquake, a cosmic shift and the new ground is HERE. but where ever it is.. Here is where i start from.
my sunday morning class is usually pretty small but i prepare fully for it because it is the most dear to my heart. it is the class where i have the most freedom to teach from a theme and to teach anusara alignment. so in some ways, not only do i prepare the asana for the class i also feel like i am preparing a sermon.
tomorrow's theme is dealing with darkness and light. tomorrow is the winter solstice. the darkest day of the year. and yet in the midst of this darkness... probably because of the darkness all of the holidays will hit and we will celebrate the LIGHT. we will come together, drink eat sing dance and laugh in a huge celebration of life and abundance and of spirit. in this yoga, too, we say YES to life. we acknowledge the darkness without trying to run away from it. because without darkness there could be no light, we wouldn't know what light is. so we acknowledge learn from and embrace the darkness. but out of that we CELEBRATE and align with and invite the light in every moment. the light of universal spirit that dances in all of us no matter what we call it. maybe we just call it life. and so we say LIFE IS GOOD and celebrate that.
so tomorrow we'll dance with darkness and with light. i'll bring images of candles and stars and of shadow and shining out your own true light. and hopefully tomorrow students will come and practice with me. i am SO ready to be there again.
my sunday morning class is usually pretty small but i prepare fully for it because it is the most dear to my heart. it is the class where i have the most freedom to teach from a theme and to teach anusara alignment. so in some ways, not only do i prepare the asana for the class i also feel like i am preparing a sermon.
tomorrow's theme is dealing with darkness and light. tomorrow is the winter solstice. the darkest day of the year. and yet in the midst of this darkness... probably because of the darkness all of the holidays will hit and we will celebrate the LIGHT. we will come together, drink eat sing dance and laugh in a huge celebration of life and abundance and of spirit. in this yoga, too, we say YES to life. we acknowledge the darkness without trying to run away from it. because without darkness there could be no light, we wouldn't know what light is. so we acknowledge learn from and embrace the darkness. but out of that we CELEBRATE and align with and invite the light in every moment. the light of universal spirit that dances in all of us no matter what we call it. maybe we just call it life. and so we say LIFE IS GOOD and celebrate that.
so tomorrow we'll dance with darkness and with light. i'll bring images of candles and stars and of shadow and shining out your own true light. and hopefully tomorrow students will come and practice with me. i am SO ready to be there again.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Returning
About a month. that's how much time i took before practicing again. the last day before the baby was Oct 10th. and i practiced on my own again yesterday, nov 9th.
i felt my downward facing dog and think it feels pretty much like a beginner's dog. nothing like where it was before pregnancy or in honesty, even during pregnancy. hopefully my hamstrings will open again.
being in this place of having to re-build my practice again gives me SO much sympathy or empathy for beginner students. even for mild students who don't practice very often. this stuff is hard and usually i just bounce around in and out of poses no problem.. but if you're not used to doing it the body can be a challenge.
but happiness, joy, fear, unknowing all crowding in as i get started. and as always the reminders : go slow, it will come, live for this moment and know change is happening.
it just feels so good to breathe again.
i felt my downward facing dog and think it feels pretty much like a beginner's dog. nothing like where it was before pregnancy or in honesty, even during pregnancy. hopefully my hamstrings will open again.
being in this place of having to re-build my practice again gives me SO much sympathy or empathy for beginner students. even for mild students who don't practice very often. this stuff is hard and usually i just bounce around in and out of poses no problem.. but if you're not used to doing it the body can be a challenge.
but happiness, joy, fear, unknowing all crowding in as i get started. and as always the reminders : go slow, it will come, live for this moment and know change is happening.
it just feels so good to breathe again.
Monday, October 6, 2008
unknowing and unknown
i do not know when this baby will come
i do not know what she will be like when she is born
i do not know when my last chance to practice yoga will be before my body is wrecked by childbirth and nursing and carrying this child for hours in my arms rather than in my womb
i do not know and so i wait
and i am lethargic
i think about meditating, about repeating the breath and the birth mantras in my mind
i think about practicing cat/cow and the standing poses left in my repertoire
but mostly i sit
and i stare at the mat rolled in the corner between the bookshelf and the wall
and i wish for a backbend and a headstand
i do not know when i will be able to practice them again
but i know that i will
i do not know what she will be like when she is born
i do not know when my last chance to practice yoga will be before my body is wrecked by childbirth and nursing and carrying this child for hours in my arms rather than in my womb
i do not know and so i wait
and i am lethargic
i think about meditating, about repeating the breath and the birth mantras in my mind
i think about practicing cat/cow and the standing poses left in my repertoire
but mostly i sit
and i stare at the mat rolled in the corner between the bookshelf and the wall
and i wish for a backbend and a headstand
i do not know when i will be able to practice them again
but i know that i will
Monday, August 25, 2008
Summer Doldrums
Summertime, i'm learning, is the lean time for yoga teachers. the number of students in all of my classes has dropped off dramatically and i'm pretty sure this isn't about ME specifically. Summer, especially August, is prime vacation season. this year vacation season also came with the increase in energy costs and i'm sure that had some effect on the number of students in my classes also. so a few weeks i had no one in a class here or there... i also had the chance to work solo with people a few times. and the numbers at the health club, where i'd gotten up to 12 or 14, went back down to 4 or 5.
on one hand, it's very hard not to get discouraged when the numbers are low. the energy of the room seems to sink down and it feels like my voice is lost into the depths of space. but on the other hand, with low numbers it is easier to get into the more difficult poses or to get into poses that require more supervision.
in class at the health club the other night i had 6 people, one of them was a teacher who was in just to observe my class and get a feel for it. so i had five members and a teacher. so even though it is a level one class i was able to teach them handstands at the wall. in a roomful of 14 at very different skill, strength, flexibility, and listening to instruction level i would not have felt comfortable doing that. but knowing my crowd and being able to see them all at once made it possible. and the outcome was great because the true level one students really got to try something new and the level two students who just come to the level one class for fun got to work on the pose more slowly than they do in the level two classes. they got to build up to it with lots of poses beforehand and they got to ask questions without worrying about sounding too beginner.
so i just try to be grateful that i have the time to teach, no matter how many students actually make it through the door. i'll just keep putting myself and my words and my heart out there and see what happens. and i guess we'll see what september will bring.
on one hand, it's very hard not to get discouraged when the numbers are low. the energy of the room seems to sink down and it feels like my voice is lost into the depths of space. but on the other hand, with low numbers it is easier to get into the more difficult poses or to get into poses that require more supervision.
in class at the health club the other night i had 6 people, one of them was a teacher who was in just to observe my class and get a feel for it. so i had five members and a teacher. so even though it is a level one class i was able to teach them handstands at the wall. in a roomful of 14 at very different skill, strength, flexibility, and listening to instruction level i would not have felt comfortable doing that. but knowing my crowd and being able to see them all at once made it possible. and the outcome was great because the true level one students really got to try something new and the level two students who just come to the level one class for fun got to work on the pose more slowly than they do in the level two classes. they got to build up to it with lots of poses beforehand and they got to ask questions without worrying about sounding too beginner.
so i just try to be grateful that i have the time to teach, no matter how many students actually make it through the door. i'll just keep putting myself and my words and my heart out there and see what happens. and i guess we'll see what september will bring.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Intentional Chocolate
When i was in Ohio, Ann and Todd shared this one minute shift video with us. The idea behind all of this and the reason to share is the reminder that our intentions.. our thoughts really do have profound impact on our lives. it is so easy to go through the day thinking negative thoughts and then attracting negative events to us. it is much harder but wiser to teach ourselves positive thinking and then watch as positive events are attracted to us. at any rate enjoy the one minute shift and then, this reminds me to offer gratitude and love before each meal.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tree Poetry
Looking for inspiration for my class this evening I came across this poem on the web:
Breath by J. Daniel Beaudry
Tree, gather up my thoughts
like the clouds in your branches
Draw up my soul
like the waters in your root
In the arteries of your trunk
bring me together
Through your leaves
breathe out the sky
(particularly great because i'm planning a class on Muscle Energy -- specifically drawing up from foot to pelvis)
Breath by J. Daniel Beaudry
Tree, gather up my thoughts
like the clouds in your branches
Draw up my soul
like the waters in your root
In the arteries of your trunk
bring me together
Through your leaves
breathe out the sky
(particularly great because i'm planning a class on Muscle Energy -- specifically drawing up from foot to pelvis)
Monday, July 7, 2008
What the Heart Says
I was practicing in Todd and Ann's class on the chakras about a week ago now. and we were working on the third chakra. we'd done plenty of abdominal work that i couldn't exactly join in on because of my rounder belly but i did what i could and modified where possible. and then we went into arm balances. Bakasana, parsvabakasana etc. again i was fighting an off-center center of gravity, and baby in the way for most of the poses, but i modified and did what i could.
and suddenly my heart burst out into my thoughts: "i LOVE arm balances" and instantly my body, heart, mind, soul, agreed. yes, arm balances rule and are a lot of fun and are worth loving.
then my rational mind burst into laughter...."You do?" and i nearly laughed out loud at the change in myself.
my rational mind is usually telling me things like "i hate arm balances" and " i'm afraid of and terrible at arm balances in general." but here it was, more accurate and true for me in my practice right now today. in reality arm balances are pretty darn fun and cool no matter how much success i have in my attempts at them.
so the statement i usually reserve for backbending and handstand 'i love X pose...' can now be expanded
turns out I LOVE ARM BALANCES too. Sweet!
and suddenly my heart burst out into my thoughts: "i LOVE arm balances" and instantly my body, heart, mind, soul, agreed. yes, arm balances rule and are a lot of fun and are worth loving.
then my rational mind burst into laughter...."You do?" and i nearly laughed out loud at the change in myself.
my rational mind is usually telling me things like "i hate arm balances" and " i'm afraid of and terrible at arm balances in general." but here it was, more accurate and true for me in my practice right now today. in reality arm balances are pretty darn fun and cool no matter how much success i have in my attempts at them.
so the statement i usually reserve for backbending and handstand 'i love X pose...' can now be expanded
turns out I LOVE ARM BALANCES too. Sweet!
Friday, July 4, 2008
Immersion 2 Yogini's Journal 2
Friday June 27, 2008 - - Columbus Ohio
Some random thoughts
- I realized this evening... So many of us in this immersion are Anusara Orphans. We have no home kula, no big Anusara family to draw from. and yet, we still do not desert the practice. We come back to it and we find a way to stay connected. We are so luckily recharged by events such as this one. So many of the people i've talked to are in the similar position as me of being one shining light of Anusara - even as teachers- with no one else around. At least i know as i go back an am alone again that i am not alone in my being alone.
- I spoke up in the group and shared some of my experience today which was an odd move for me. The beauty of it was that then it was as if my light was shining brighter and more people saw me. So i was able to connect to more people in the process because they shared about their own lives or they asked me more about me. It was nice to be seen and not to shy away from that.
- The women i'm sharing the B&B with have both cooked dinner and shared food with me. i felt a bit uneasy about it. But then i think back to even a few weeks ago when all i wanted was for someone to cook for me and i feel such GRATITUDE. i feel totally wrapped in Abundance. Very very grateful for their joy, hospitality, and sharing. and i'll just try to extend the same in return.
--Other gratitude and inspiration
-i am grateful for my group of spiritual friends at home. a group i can come together with and share about all of these moments.
-I am grateful for my family and the love i feel for them and from them - including all of my wonderful friends.
- i am inspired to have friends over to share meals
- i am inspired to practice with N.
- i am inspired to learn more and play more with my chakras
Some random thoughts
- I realized this evening... So many of us in this immersion are Anusara Orphans. We have no home kula, no big Anusara family to draw from. and yet, we still do not desert the practice. We come back to it and we find a way to stay connected. We are so luckily recharged by events such as this one. So many of the people i've talked to are in the similar position as me of being one shining light of Anusara - even as teachers- with no one else around. At least i know as i go back an am alone again that i am not alone in my being alone.
- I spoke up in the group and shared some of my experience today which was an odd move for me. The beauty of it was that then it was as if my light was shining brighter and more people saw me. So i was able to connect to more people in the process because they shared about their own lives or they asked me more about me. It was nice to be seen and not to shy away from that.
- The women i'm sharing the B&B with have both cooked dinner and shared food with me. i felt a bit uneasy about it. But then i think back to even a few weeks ago when all i wanted was for someone to cook for me and i feel such GRATITUDE. i feel totally wrapped in Abundance. Very very grateful for their joy, hospitality, and sharing. and i'll just try to extend the same in return.
--Other gratitude and inspiration
-i am grateful for my group of spiritual friends at home. a group i can come together with and share about all of these moments.
-I am grateful for my family and the love i feel for them and from them - including all of my wonderful friends.
- i am inspired to have friends over to share meals
- i am inspired to practice with N.
- i am inspired to learn more and play more with my chakras
Immersion 2 Yogini's Journal
June 26 2008 -- Columbus, Ohio
Two days of immersion done already. I am interested to note that i feel much more energetic than i do at home most days and much more energetic than i was expecting to feel. Maybe i'm allowing myself to fall into a lethargy at home that isn't needed. And by working so strongly in this true, deep alignment I'm actually building more strength and energy rather than less. I think i was extremely ready to come to this immersion this time. My energy was ready to receive and my body was better prepared after taking all of Maria's classes all winter/spring.
And i'm just realizing now, i'm SO able to be a student of Todd and Ann. There's nothing in the way with them or the people around me who i am practicing with. Some part of me that had a guard up or needed to "prove" myself in Washington, DC isn't in the way or showing up here. I am quite simply enjoying the learning. This feels like a five day workshop (not an immersion).
In some of the reading tonight i am finding inspiration for my classes back home, so that is exciting. Time to go back to basics and really refine, and actually TEACH the actions in the body. Time to separate them at first and then integrate them down the line. People are smart - they can learn and apply these things.
I keep thinking one day i'd love to have Todd come to Richmond to give a workshop. It could be sometime several years from now probably once i've gotten some Anusara more established there. and if he did, then some of my students could come. So that idea makes me think i need to get serious and organized in teaching this stuff for real so the students can really apply the principles in their bodies. then when they meet Todd and he sees their practices he can see i taught them well.
This immersion doesn't particularly feel ground breaking to me. It feels comfortable and happy - Love filled. Like a mini-retreat, a refresher, a recharger even though i am learning new concepts.
I feel very settled, where many times this much yoga and this much being away from home would be unsettling and would feel chaotic. or it would have me more stirred up about big trauma in my life. Today i feel like this is exactly where i am meant to be. I am doing exactly what i am meant to be doing. If anything, instead of stirred up emotionally, i feel more inspired. But really, not even that. I just feel settled. Calm, at peace with what is. even my body feels that way - i am sore certainly - but not overly sore. Sore not tightened or locking or holding. It's like i have soreness and i am releasing it and softening into it. that feels good.
So, as we say in Anusara (and on all the T-shirts) Life is Good. not terrible, not AWESOME. Just Right. Total goldilocks principle. And i'll rest in that tonight.
Two days of immersion done already. I am interested to note that i feel much more energetic than i do at home most days and much more energetic than i was expecting to feel. Maybe i'm allowing myself to fall into a lethargy at home that isn't needed. And by working so strongly in this true, deep alignment I'm actually building more strength and energy rather than less. I think i was extremely ready to come to this immersion this time. My energy was ready to receive and my body was better prepared after taking all of Maria's classes all winter/spring.
And i'm just realizing now, i'm SO able to be a student of Todd and Ann. There's nothing in the way with them or the people around me who i am practicing with. Some part of me that had a guard up or needed to "prove" myself in Washington, DC isn't in the way or showing up here. I am quite simply enjoying the learning. This feels like a five day workshop (not an immersion).
In some of the reading tonight i am finding inspiration for my classes back home, so that is exciting. Time to go back to basics and really refine, and actually TEACH the actions in the body. Time to separate them at first and then integrate them down the line. People are smart - they can learn and apply these things.
I keep thinking one day i'd love to have Todd come to Richmond to give a workshop. It could be sometime several years from now probably once i've gotten some Anusara more established there. and if he did, then some of my students could come. So that idea makes me think i need to get serious and organized in teaching this stuff for real so the students can really apply the principles in their bodies. then when they meet Todd and he sees their practices he can see i taught them well.
This immersion doesn't particularly feel ground breaking to me. It feels comfortable and happy - Love filled. Like a mini-retreat, a refresher, a recharger even though i am learning new concepts.
I feel very settled, where many times this much yoga and this much being away from home would be unsettling and would feel chaotic. or it would have me more stirred up about big trauma in my life. Today i feel like this is exactly where i am meant to be. I am doing exactly what i am meant to be doing. If anything, instead of stirred up emotionally, i feel more inspired. But really, not even that. I just feel settled. Calm, at peace with what is. even my body feels that way - i am sore certainly - but not overly sore. Sore not tightened or locking or holding. It's like i have soreness and i am releasing it and softening into it. that feels good.
So, as we say in Anusara (and on all the T-shirts) Life is Good. not terrible, not AWESOME. Just Right. Total goldilocks principle. And i'll rest in that tonight.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Becoming the Spiritual Center
This weekend i went on a walk in the woods with my friend and her dog. as we walked we talked and caught up on our spiritual lives lately and how they relate to our body movement lives. for me that means how spiritual am i being in my yoga teaching and yoga practice path?
the answer right now is really not very spiritual at all. somehow i seem to have lost contact once again with the deeper practices that can help keep my mind and body open to really be able to be there for my students. in recent weeks i have put plenty of emphasis on maintaining my asana practice and even on allowing it to change and soften as my body is becoming more round. but it seems as much as i have allowed for change, i have dropped off in my commitment to pranayama, meditation, and reading (and obviously, blogging about it) somehow the change in my body has entirely usurped disciplined spiritual practice.
next week i go to ohio for almost a week to work with todd norian and ann greene for my anusara immersion part 2. and i have been deeply concerned with keeping my asana practice up so that i'll have the stamina to make it through a week of strong practicing and lecture. what i neglected until about last week was the reading. oops! after a quick trip to amazon for used books several new volumes have landed on my door step and i'm trying to get through them as thoroughly and quickly as possible. re-reading the yoga sutras and reading about the chakras and about tantric tradition has once again reminded me... there is SO MUCH MORE on this yoga path than the asana. the readings have reminded me that my lack of inspiration comes from dropping off the other important practices and from not stopping to just be still and listen to it all around me.
my friend put it beautifully as we discussed wanting to bring spirituality into the classes we teach. she said rather than wanting to work in a spiritual center or run a spiritual center she herself wants to BE the spiritual center. in that way, everywhere she goes becomes a sacred space and everyone she comes into contact with is able to be reached more from a deeper spiritual connection. that is how i feel in the presence of great teachers like todd norian or john friend. that deeper sense of knowing and connection to my own spiritual self is what i want to cultivate and continue to bring to the classroom (and outside of the classroom). so there is an intention for me. create and maintain within the ever continuing spanda of this universe my own connection to source.
back to the meditation cushion i go.
the answer right now is really not very spiritual at all. somehow i seem to have lost contact once again with the deeper practices that can help keep my mind and body open to really be able to be there for my students. in recent weeks i have put plenty of emphasis on maintaining my asana practice and even on allowing it to change and soften as my body is becoming more round. but it seems as much as i have allowed for change, i have dropped off in my commitment to pranayama, meditation, and reading (and obviously, blogging about it) somehow the change in my body has entirely usurped disciplined spiritual practice.
next week i go to ohio for almost a week to work with todd norian and ann greene for my anusara immersion part 2. and i have been deeply concerned with keeping my asana practice up so that i'll have the stamina to make it through a week of strong practicing and lecture. what i neglected until about last week was the reading. oops! after a quick trip to amazon for used books several new volumes have landed on my door step and i'm trying to get through them as thoroughly and quickly as possible. re-reading the yoga sutras and reading about the chakras and about tantric tradition has once again reminded me... there is SO MUCH MORE on this yoga path than the asana. the readings have reminded me that my lack of inspiration comes from dropping off the other important practices and from not stopping to just be still and listen to it all around me.
my friend put it beautifully as we discussed wanting to bring spirituality into the classes we teach. she said rather than wanting to work in a spiritual center or run a spiritual center she herself wants to BE the spiritual center. in that way, everywhere she goes becomes a sacred space and everyone she comes into contact with is able to be reached more from a deeper spiritual connection. that is how i feel in the presence of great teachers like todd norian or john friend. that deeper sense of knowing and connection to my own spiritual self is what i want to cultivate and continue to bring to the classroom (and outside of the classroom). so there is an intention for me. create and maintain within the ever continuing spanda of this universe my own connection to source.
back to the meditation cushion i go.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Renewing the Practice
Since i've been pregnant a lot of my yoga students and friends have asked how it changes my home practice. Pregnancy definitely changes my practice but it's hard to explain. there is the general change that i'm off twisting and i start modifying my poses as i start growing. (no more bow pose already and soon i'll be off cobra and locust too). but there is a far deeper change too.
last summer i went for a 10 day yoga retreat in indonesia. it was amazing and life and practice changing. it was perfect for just before starting to teach because i felt like my practice got very strong and there was a certain attack or fire quality to my practice that i didn't have before. finally i demanded more from myself both in class and at home and i saw big change in my practice as poses began to reveal themselves to me. i felt young, vibrant, fearless, strong....
as soon as i got pregnant in january, that all changed. suddenly i felt very very fragile and somewhat afraid. it is my first pregnancy and suddenly it felt like my body was out of control. i couldn't trust my body, i couldn't push my body. i felt like i was sick all the time but really wasn't. and psychologically i was so afraid i would do something in my practice that would cause me to lose the baby that i backed way off.
all that attack and strength was gone. i was left feeling tired, worn down and pretty scared. the yoga that was my comfort was now sort of a threat. but i knew yoga wasn't going to hurt me, i knew which poses to avoid and all the books said to do yoga. so for the first three months i just pushed through. i never got actual morning sickness, or major mood swings, just the general feeling that things were different. and so i kept on going. more restorative days and much more rest. it was a different sort of practice to rest so much and it was difficult psychologically to deal with the change. what if my old practice never came back? what if this lasts forever????
but luckily the first trimester doesn't last forever. by about month 3 i started feeling better. and now 4 plus months in i'm feeling much more like my old self ... just with a balloon in my stomach to work around. recently i've started to feel more brave again in my practice. and i've started working back to building my strength up. i remember during my teacher training the woman who taught prenatal said something like 'it doesn't do them any good to give pregnant women a break, they need the strength to get through labor and they need to be strong once the baby comes. it's better to let them work and rest, work and rest, just like the rhythm of labor' and that has stuck with me.
yesterday i put the labor principle into action. i worked HARD in my poses, held them longer than normal and concentrated on breath and just gave myself little breaks in between. in the months i took it easier i lost my chaturanga so now i'm working hard to bring that back. and to bring back the arm balances i'd barely grasped. it's time to be serious because taking a break and eating bon bons all pregnancy isn't going to serve me when it's all over. today i'm tired to my bones and muscles from the practice and then teaching all evening, but it feels good. it feels good to have worked it feels good to be hungry from it and it feels good to be as proactive as i can in preparing myself for labor and beyond.
last summer i went for a 10 day yoga retreat in indonesia. it was amazing and life and practice changing. it was perfect for just before starting to teach because i felt like my practice got very strong and there was a certain attack or fire quality to my practice that i didn't have before. finally i demanded more from myself both in class and at home and i saw big change in my practice as poses began to reveal themselves to me. i felt young, vibrant, fearless, strong....
as soon as i got pregnant in january, that all changed. suddenly i felt very very fragile and somewhat afraid. it is my first pregnancy and suddenly it felt like my body was out of control. i couldn't trust my body, i couldn't push my body. i felt like i was sick all the time but really wasn't. and psychologically i was so afraid i would do something in my practice that would cause me to lose the baby that i backed way off.
all that attack and strength was gone. i was left feeling tired, worn down and pretty scared. the yoga that was my comfort was now sort of a threat. but i knew yoga wasn't going to hurt me, i knew which poses to avoid and all the books said to do yoga. so for the first three months i just pushed through. i never got actual morning sickness, or major mood swings, just the general feeling that things were different. and so i kept on going. more restorative days and much more rest. it was a different sort of practice to rest so much and it was difficult psychologically to deal with the change. what if my old practice never came back? what if this lasts forever????
but luckily the first trimester doesn't last forever. by about month 3 i started feeling better. and now 4 plus months in i'm feeling much more like my old self ... just with a balloon in my stomach to work around. recently i've started to feel more brave again in my practice. and i've started working back to building my strength up. i remember during my teacher training the woman who taught prenatal said something like 'it doesn't do them any good to give pregnant women a break, they need the strength to get through labor and they need to be strong once the baby comes. it's better to let them work and rest, work and rest, just like the rhythm of labor' and that has stuck with me.
yesterday i put the labor principle into action. i worked HARD in my poses, held them longer than normal and concentrated on breath and just gave myself little breaks in between. in the months i took it easier i lost my chaturanga so now i'm working hard to bring that back. and to bring back the arm balances i'd barely grasped. it's time to be serious because taking a break and eating bon bons all pregnancy isn't going to serve me when it's all over. today i'm tired to my bones and muscles from the practice and then teaching all evening, but it feels good. it feels good to have worked it feels good to be hungry from it and it feels good to be as proactive as i can in preparing myself for labor and beyond.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Keeping it Going
Like most everyone who commits to a home practice, i definitely struggle with getting into ruts. i tend to only practice the same poses over and over. while that's great for laying the ground work for going on to more challenging poses in class, it doesn't really take me any further in my own practice. and i don't get the sense of mastery over those more difficult poses that i would get if i practiced them nearly every day. this is ESPECIALLY true for inversions and arm/hand balances. i do practice inversions somewhat regularly at home but definitely not for any real length of time (not much more than 5 breaths for handstand, and forearm stand and maybe 20 for headstand and shoulder stand.) and arm balances tend to be limited to vasithasana and then attempts at other ones maybe once a month.
so then last week i watched/listened to a John Friend DVD i got for christmas but haven't had the energy to try out. i'd already practiced that day but wanted to check out what he had to say and see what the poses in the sequence are so i'd know when i do have the energy to try it. plus, he's just so amazing to listen to. thank goodness for modern technology. much of this DVD is focused on arm balances and he talks about how most people skip them in their practices because they require so much energy and full-bodied integration. and i was sitting there saying ... yup that's me. and of course, because i skip them in my home practice, i definitely don't teach them in my classes... so i'm setting up my students to skip them too. NO GOOD. time to get into action.
then on monday i got to take class when i usually teach and was able to practice with a teacher i truly enjoy. after class we were talking about the same thing... about falling into a rut with poses and feeling uninspired. one of the other teachers nearby said she knows a teacher who keeps a running spreadsheet of poses and checks off a pose when she practices it. K, the teacher i'd studied with, said she loves excel and was going to go home and do it. and i just brushed it off.
but then i got home, i had some free time and i started to see the value. So on Friday afternoon i spent less than an hour plugging in all of the Level I and Level II Anusara syllabus into an Excel spreadsheet on my computer. i practice in my home office and i realized i don't actually have to print it out i can just keep it on the computer (No extra paper). the nice thing about it is that just by reading through the syllabus i got class ideas and personal practice ideas and i was reminded of poses i skip simply because i'd forgotten about them.
so this month i'm keeping a tally and we'll see how it goes. hopefully the effort up front will pay off in the long run with a better rounded practice by the end of the summer.
so then last week i watched/listened to a John Friend DVD i got for christmas but haven't had the energy to try out. i'd already practiced that day but wanted to check out what he had to say and see what the poses in the sequence are so i'd know when i do have the energy to try it. plus, he's just so amazing to listen to. thank goodness for modern technology. much of this DVD is focused on arm balances and he talks about how most people skip them in their practices because they require so much energy and full-bodied integration. and i was sitting there saying ... yup that's me. and of course, because i skip them in my home practice, i definitely don't teach them in my classes... so i'm setting up my students to skip them too. NO GOOD. time to get into action.
then on monday i got to take class when i usually teach and was able to practice with a teacher i truly enjoy. after class we were talking about the same thing... about falling into a rut with poses and feeling uninspired. one of the other teachers nearby said she knows a teacher who keeps a running spreadsheet of poses and checks off a pose when she practices it. K, the teacher i'd studied with, said she loves excel and was going to go home and do it. and i just brushed it off.
but then i got home, i had some free time and i started to see the value. So on Friday afternoon i spent less than an hour plugging in all of the Level I and Level II Anusara syllabus into an Excel spreadsheet on my computer. i practice in my home office and i realized i don't actually have to print it out i can just keep it on the computer (No extra paper). the nice thing about it is that just by reading through the syllabus i got class ideas and personal practice ideas and i was reminded of poses i skip simply because i'd forgotten about them.
so this month i'm keeping a tally and we'll see how it goes. hopefully the effort up front will pay off in the long run with a better rounded practice by the end of the summer.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Inspiration for Teaching
Sometimes having to have a JOB to teach yoga is difficult. This week was one of those weeks. I found myself extremely frustrated and feeling backed into corners as i attempted to relate with my jobs outside of just the teaching the classes aspects.
So i went to a book i find very comforting. a book that is pretty long and i tend to read it for a while then put it away and then pick it back up and start right where i left off. this time two parts of the story really stood out for me.
The book is called How Yoga Works by Geshe Michael Roach and Christie McNally. it is the story of a young girl from Tibet who is held up in a jail in India and begins to teach the Captain of the jail yoga... and all that follows. truly though, it is a study and commentary on the yoga sutras.
in the first part the Captain has just made a big mistake and now must hear from his teacher about it, she is upset because he in essence has called her an employee:
" Yoga cannot be taught that way. Even if this place were some fancy school; even if i owned it, and you came here for classes; even if you were paying me in some way, still the yoga would never come to you - I could never grant you the yoga, you see, even if i wanted to and tried to - unless you regarded me as a teacher should be regarded and that is with respect, deep respect.
Oh it's not that teachers are some kind of faultless beings; it's not that we're not susceptible to our own problems, or that students should follow their teachers blindly.
But we are, you see, vessels; we hold something inside us which is bigger and much more beautiful than us as individuals. Yoga, you see, it began back - long back, long long even before the Master first wrote it down. And it has been passed down - poured from vessel to vessel, poured from teacher to student, and then to their students - for hundreds and hundreds of centuries. It has survived not just in books but in living persons, in the words and touch and thoughts shared between living beings: something beyond what a book can do.
And if all books are precious beyond all measure, the combined knowledge of generation after generation of effort and pain, mistake and discovery - then our teachers are so much more. For regardless of what we think of a teacher, regardless of the weaknesses and faults we may see in them, they are still the one and only door we have to the living experience of countless generations of teachers who came before. Ultimately every teacher contains the knowledge of all teachers before them; ultimately even someone as young and inexperienced as me holds the very water that was poured in to Master Patanjali by his own Master, and which he poured in his own students. And in that sense yes i am a master too, I am your Master, because i am your teacher.
Again, i want you to know. i don't mean Master in a religious sense, say. I don't mean that you should bow to me or give me things or anything like that. What i do mean is that you should respect me, respect me, not for me, but for yourself. It is the kind of respect and affection that one would have for a doctor who has been your doctor for your whole life; who has seen you through everything from baby colds to the more serious illnesses that strike us over lifetimes.
And when a patient or a student has this kind of regard or respect for the doctor or the teacher - and i mean no matter what the teacher is teaching them - then something happens; a kind of magic is let loose. A 'blessing' the Master calls it. All the power of the healing, all the power of generation upon generation of people who struggled to learn and then learned and then granted that great gift onto the next generation, so it would live - so they could live - all that power is released to you.
And then you see, the healing will happen. The yoga will work. And otherwise - if you.... if you think of me the way you have been doing, and I'm not talking about mistakes that happen like that...., but if you don't respect me, as a teacher, as your teacher, then you will never get better. And one day you will just lose interest, and go on to something else and never find out how much farther your healing can go."
WHEW!!! so that gave me moment to think! i mean THIS is what i am supposed to inspire in my student. utmost respect as i am continuing the line of the great teachers i have been so gifted to learn from so far and all of their teachers before them. so it isn't about all the tiny problems that can come up when you have to have it as a job. yoga is so much more and i'd better keep my eye and heart there rather than worrying about the rest.
the second part she is educating her student about not showing off his new physical skills gained from yoga because it can actually set him back in his progress on the path....
" But i also wanted to say that it's not vain at all to feel an honest happiness - a healthy sort of pride- about the progress you have made, and how good you really do look and feel when you're doing your yoga regularly, and for good reasons: with the idea that you might help others. And then even when others see you, and admire your progress, it's a good think; you are fulfilling your goal of being an inspiration for them to heal themselves too.
And i was thinking, you know about the difference," I continued. " Because it's such a fine line, and we are all so weak, you see, and we can slip so easily from being honestly happy about feeling better into thoughts of vanity and competitiveness. And it occurred to me that one thing to keep an eye on as we continue to make progress would be our feelings about others making the same progress.
I mean, if we're doing yoga because we want to inspire others to do it too, so they can heal themselves too, then if someone like the Seargent began to do yoga, and suddenly got very good at it - able to do things we ourselves hadn't been able to do even after years of work - then i think our feelings about that would tell the story.
I mean, if our motivation was pure, then we'd be excited and supportive: we'd let him know what a wonderful job he was doing. And if on the other hand we had started to slip into vanity, then i think we'd feel threatened somehow: we'd feel unhappy about his progress. And then that - that very basic, disappointing form of dislike for someone - would really start to choke our own channels, and ruin whatever progress we had been making."
SO that one helped me stop and go back to why i really want to teach yoga... to HELP people. not just to help them in their poses but to help them in their LIVES. to be patient and let the yoga unfold for them as it will but hopefully to bring them millimeter by millimeter closer to health on all levels of their beings. that said, i'd love for any of my students to come with me to workshops, i'd love for any of my students to become inspired to become teachers and to deepen their practices even if that means they out grow me. it doesn't matter if they are continuing to find health and beauty and fun and love in the practice. that's so much more what it's all about.
now newly refocused i just feel SO much better. sometimes we need those moments to realign with our highest. to align with the divine as they say in anusara speak.
So i went to a book i find very comforting. a book that is pretty long and i tend to read it for a while then put it away and then pick it back up and start right where i left off. this time two parts of the story really stood out for me.
The book is called How Yoga Works by Geshe Michael Roach and Christie McNally. it is the story of a young girl from Tibet who is held up in a jail in India and begins to teach the Captain of the jail yoga... and all that follows. truly though, it is a study and commentary on the yoga sutras.
in the first part the Captain has just made a big mistake and now must hear from his teacher about it, she is upset because he in essence has called her an employee:
" Yoga cannot be taught that way. Even if this place were some fancy school; even if i owned it, and you came here for classes; even if you were paying me in some way, still the yoga would never come to you - I could never grant you the yoga, you see, even if i wanted to and tried to - unless you regarded me as a teacher should be regarded and that is with respect, deep respect.
Oh it's not that teachers are some kind of faultless beings; it's not that we're not susceptible to our own problems, or that students should follow their teachers blindly.
But we are, you see, vessels; we hold something inside us which is bigger and much more beautiful than us as individuals. Yoga, you see, it began back - long back, long long even before the Master first wrote it down. And it has been passed down - poured from vessel to vessel, poured from teacher to student, and then to their students - for hundreds and hundreds of centuries. It has survived not just in books but in living persons, in the words and touch and thoughts shared between living beings: something beyond what a book can do.
And if all books are precious beyond all measure, the combined knowledge of generation after generation of effort and pain, mistake and discovery - then our teachers are so much more. For regardless of what we think of a teacher, regardless of the weaknesses and faults we may see in them, they are still the one and only door we have to the living experience of countless generations of teachers who came before. Ultimately every teacher contains the knowledge of all teachers before them; ultimately even someone as young and inexperienced as me holds the very water that was poured in to Master Patanjali by his own Master, and which he poured in his own students. And in that sense yes i am a master too, I am your Master, because i am your teacher.
Again, i want you to know. i don't mean Master in a religious sense, say. I don't mean that you should bow to me or give me things or anything like that. What i do mean is that you should respect me, respect me, not for me, but for yourself. It is the kind of respect and affection that one would have for a doctor who has been your doctor for your whole life; who has seen you through everything from baby colds to the more serious illnesses that strike us over lifetimes.
And when a patient or a student has this kind of regard or respect for the doctor or the teacher - and i mean no matter what the teacher is teaching them - then something happens; a kind of magic is let loose. A 'blessing' the Master calls it. All the power of the healing, all the power of generation upon generation of people who struggled to learn and then learned and then granted that great gift onto the next generation, so it would live - so they could live - all that power is released to you.
And then you see, the healing will happen. The yoga will work. And otherwise - if you.... if you think of me the way you have been doing, and I'm not talking about mistakes that happen like that...., but if you don't respect me, as a teacher, as your teacher, then you will never get better. And one day you will just lose interest, and go on to something else and never find out how much farther your healing can go."
WHEW!!! so that gave me moment to think! i mean THIS is what i am supposed to inspire in my student. utmost respect as i am continuing the line of the great teachers i have been so gifted to learn from so far and all of their teachers before them. so it isn't about all the tiny problems that can come up when you have to have it as a job. yoga is so much more and i'd better keep my eye and heart there rather than worrying about the rest.
the second part she is educating her student about not showing off his new physical skills gained from yoga because it can actually set him back in his progress on the path....
" But i also wanted to say that it's not vain at all to feel an honest happiness - a healthy sort of pride- about the progress you have made, and how good you really do look and feel when you're doing your yoga regularly, and for good reasons: with the idea that you might help others. And then even when others see you, and admire your progress, it's a good think; you are fulfilling your goal of being an inspiration for them to heal themselves too.
And i was thinking, you know about the difference," I continued. " Because it's such a fine line, and we are all so weak, you see, and we can slip so easily from being honestly happy about feeling better into thoughts of vanity and competitiveness. And it occurred to me that one thing to keep an eye on as we continue to make progress would be our feelings about others making the same progress.
I mean, if we're doing yoga because we want to inspire others to do it too, so they can heal themselves too, then if someone like the Seargent began to do yoga, and suddenly got very good at it - able to do things we ourselves hadn't been able to do even after years of work - then i think our feelings about that would tell the story.
I mean, if our motivation was pure, then we'd be excited and supportive: we'd let him know what a wonderful job he was doing. And if on the other hand we had started to slip into vanity, then i think we'd feel threatened somehow: we'd feel unhappy about his progress. And then that - that very basic, disappointing form of dislike for someone - would really start to choke our own channels, and ruin whatever progress we had been making."
SO that one helped me stop and go back to why i really want to teach yoga... to HELP people. not just to help them in their poses but to help them in their LIVES. to be patient and let the yoga unfold for them as it will but hopefully to bring them millimeter by millimeter closer to health on all levels of their beings. that said, i'd love for any of my students to come with me to workshops, i'd love for any of my students to become inspired to become teachers and to deepen their practices even if that means they out grow me. it doesn't matter if they are continuing to find health and beauty and fun and love in the practice. that's so much more what it's all about.
now newly refocused i just feel SO much better. sometimes we need those moments to realign with our highest. to align with the divine as they say in anusara speak.
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