Thursday, May 6, 2010

Anxiety and Affirmation

Anxiety. like i can't take a full breath, or really breathe much at all. i'm counting hours in the days and days in the months and months in the year and years in my life ... the conclusion is that there aren't enough. time keeps stealing my life away and i can't seem to catch up and keep up.

i'm headed away again next week for part 3 of todd and ann's teacher training and i'm all sorts of getting worried over it. this is totally NOT like me. for the last week i've even been getting worried before going in to teach classes. to the point of feeling like i'd rather burst into tears and run screaming from the room than face the loving and supportive students that have come to be with me.

i could list all the reasons i'm feeling anxious. there are plenty that i'm aware of and probably more that i'm not. but what's the point? dwell on the problems -- solvable and insolvable -- or move towards solution. and what is so strange this time in 'dealing with' the tight chest and drowning feeling, instead of trying to swat it away or sweep it under the rug, i'm actually trying to embrace it. i'm trying to invite it to tea to sit with me and just be here as a part of the big picture that IS me these days. having anxiety over for dinner is incredibly uncomfortable. it is NOT the most fun emotion to hang out with. (could i please have that blissed-out feeling back?) but it is real and it is here and i'm just trying to be dynamically still in the midst of it.

what i've found so far is that aside from making me want to eat all the sweets in the house and do some random impulse shopping, anxiety isn't SO terrible. i know the reasons for it, i take steps to alleviate those problems and otherwise i just let it be. i'm actually using it as a wake up call that i need to swing back towards taking care of myself.
practice yoga (even restoratives!)
connect with friends
take a long hot bath or shower without the baby at the shower door
sleep, even go to bed early

and constantly, every moment, every time i can... affirm myself.

i am perfectly imperfect just the way i am
there is nothing more i need to be
this world is more beautiful with me in it
i am doing all i need to do
i am teaching just the way i need to teach
i am progressing in my teaching at the perfect speed
i will overcome the teaching edges that stress me out right now in my own time in the right moment
i shine my bright light
i offer love to everyone including myself

reading these i take a slightly deeper breath and feel the love of Grace move through me. i remember my heart is connected to a great ocean of love that i have physically felt before. my chest is still tight. i still feel that i can't go on. but i know i can and i will. i know the practice will break through this place of uncertainty. and like everything, i know this emotion too will pass.

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