Wednesday, February 13, 2008


i have almost totally lost my voice. sort of. my best friend called on the phone earlier and we hadn't spoken in a few days. she immediately said :"what's wrong" and i have to work hard to reassure people i'm really ok, i feel totally fine, i just can't really speak properly at the moment.

apparently i have 'the cough.' someone at the gym where i work called it 'the 50 day cough' but i'm refusing to let it stick around that long. i mean, really, i do yoga, surely that will take care of it. honestly i'm surprised i caught it at all.

but the cough has made teaching an interesting task this week. i've kept warm water at hand whenever possible but i've found that the moment i am explaining something in intimate detail and with emphasis my voice kicks out and of course i'm miles from the water at the front of the room. it is an exercise in humility to be sure.

thus far students have been quite gracious as their instructions fade in and out due to the unpredictable nature of my vocal cords, but i don't know how long they'll last if this thing hangs on for 50 days!

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Immersion 2 Lunchtime Sunday

Yogini's Journal: FEAR is such a huge emotion. What a motivator and a STOPPER. it puts the brakes on so fast ... even when the body is able, if the mind is fearful, WHEW! Today Moses had us practice handstand in the middle of the room with a friend. A girl got very very fearful very fast and started to cry. But the great part was instead of running away or trying to hide she came right up to Moses and said "i need help" I think that took exceptional courage. And he helped her and they worked together. So it worked out OK.
I guess i forget how scary handstand can be. And actually i don't ever remember being truly aware of being afraid of handstand. I know i was. And i definitely get afraid of headstand off the wall and of Bakasana.

Fear is such a tricky demon. You think you master on part and it turns out it is only waiting deeper inside to reveal itself again. Why is getting to know oneself and all the beauty that IS the individual so incredibly scary and even painful? Why are we so afraid of 'what we might find' in there? Really, we're going to find the GOOD, the BEAUTIFUL the LOVE that is at our core. unfortunately its usually covered up by lots of hurts and anxieties, and those are what we are fearful of. But if we accept that underneath we'll eventually find all those fabulous qualities then all those other things don't matter so much.

and of course there is always the unknown... so i have to just trust the universe to take care of what needs to be cared for and go on from there.

Immersion 2 Sunday Morning

Yogini's Journal: " Yesterday's practice was only standing poses. Not even a sun salutation to the belly! Lunge and pose, some Down Dog/uttanasana/Tadasana then parsvottanasana, trikonasana, 1/2 moon, parsvakonasana, revolved 1/2 moon, revolved parsva, revolved trikonasana then eagle legs twist and savansana. We went to 1/2 moon and revolved 1/2 moon from standing split... hard! major work in the pelvic focal point and drawing up muscular energy. A tough practice because we really held the poses for a long time. I didn't eat quite right either.. i kept getting flushed and lightheaded.

SO i'm trying to open up to this experience, but i have some sort of block.... Am I being a know it all? somehow i'm in my own way of falling deeply, madly in love with this process. It isn't the same as during the last teacher training when i was completely enraptured. But maybe that is the difference. This is an immersion, not a teacher training. I'm also finding it a little difficult to work with two different teachers. I wish they were working together instead of splitting the weekends between them.

On a whole i enjoy Moses' style. He's humorous but it feels like he is grounded in a deep spiritual practice. HE also gives more advice and directions for what to do to do good.... like carpool, vote democratic, drive as little as possible, etc. That can be inspiring. I want to be able and feel empowered to help my students live more fulfilled lives and sometimes that may include giving advice towards change.

During the last weekend one of the participants was saying she feels so good after yoga class. it makes her a different person and she wishes she could be that person all the time instead of who she often is. And i said, you ARE that person all the time, it's just covered up sometimes. And i said it not to give advice or create change for her, but because that's how i really think. the 'after yoga me' is the REAL me. She said "that's a good way to look at it" and i realized i may have crossed a line into more of a teacher counselor role. and that has stuck with me. i question myself "was that the right thing to do or say?" but now i'm thinking 'sure' we're here to learn from each other as much as from Kate and Moses. And that is what i want to be able to do with my students, to inspire and help them along the path without pushing or forcing -- just organically. It really popped right out of my mouth before i had a moment to think - so maybe she really did need to hear it. who knows.