I have to admit i've been struggling lately. Struggling with the whole being a yoga teacher thing. everything is difficult when you first start but i think i forget that as i'm getting older. now i'm going to be thirty next year and starting off on a whole new career is definitely a challenge. and when i think i've gotten the hang of something, something else goes off and i'm back to square one with that.
right now i'm facing a dilema about Anusara. what do i do about the Anusara? i can't practice it with a teacher because no one here is teaching it. i don't feel like i can teach it effectively yet because i haven't learned how to do that. and yet my body and soul and spirit really ONLY want to practice Anusara and only want to offer Anusara out there to others.
then comes the challege of what to call the class too. i teach 'vinyasa' classes and i teach 'hatha' classes. i can't say i teach anusara or anusara-inspired classes because i'm not far enough along in my training yet. indeed i haven't taken any anusara teacher training yet, just anusara workshops. so when i teach vinyasa from an anusara perspective it feels too slow and the students look at me like i'm boring or i'm killing them and they don't want to come back. when i teach hatha from an anusara perspective it feels right as far as speed and pacing of the class, but it's missing something. it's missing that inspiration from me. it's missing the heart-centered theme. that beautiful heart-centered theme that makes anusara ANUSARA just isn't there yet.
and so for the last few hours and days i've been truly thinking... what do i do? but i've decided i can relax. how can i expect myself to teach a fantabulous anusara class if i haven't been taught how to teach anusara yet? and i haven't even been able to hear anyone else teach it except in short stints in weekend workshops? i can't be expected to do that. so. relax. step back. become humble.
i've decided to teach my remaining vinyasa class (that i've tried to teach anusara) as a true vinyasa class. i enjoy teaching that way even if it feels that it's missing the point sometimes. and i'll keep on working the anusara in my beginning classes and in my hatha class. then as i go through my immersion and begin anusara teacher training next year THEN i'll start to introduce more and more anusara specifics and heart-centered theme into the vinyasa and eventually let it go fully into anusara-inspired class rather than vinyasa. then i'm not fighting an uphill battle every week and i can relax. i can just practice teaching yoga without the added pressure of trying to be amazingly inspirational at the same time. if that happens or it comes to me that's great, if not let it go. humility in this process.
then i think i could add a hatha I/II class at Yoga Source and really work the anusara philosophy and alignment principles maybe on the Spring schedule, and by then i'll have some immersion under my belt and simply more time there at yoga source and more time in the classroom. by then i can start moving towards more anusara. and just increase it bit by bit.
but calling an anusara influenced class - 'vinyasa' does not do it justice, not for me, not for my students. we're fighting each other in the politest way possible. no words exchanged just no one getting what they want or need. so i'll shift.
my other thought is i truly need to start up a beginner class for my friends and let them know i'm working on teaching from Anusara perspective and teaching myself how to do that. and if they want to take part they can, and we can all learn together. then i'm not running into the ego problems of whether people like me or if they will come back etc.
so again, it's relax release. open up to grace even if it isn't where i want it to be. become humble and acknowledge my skill set as it is and know it will grow in the future.